You are tearing me apart, Savannah!
When I first saw the trailer for Dear John, I knew I had to see it.
I wanted to see Dear John not because it was adapted from a Nicky Sparks book or because it was about true love or anything like that. No, my friends. I wanted to see this movie for the sole reason that it looked like it included some significant screen time for a shirtless Channing Tatum.
In that respect, Dear John certainly didn't disappoint. But in almost every other way, this movie was so bad.
Stacy and I saw it tonight, and right from the get-go, we couldn't help but snicker at the awkward pacing and repetitive dialogue. Soon, I was interjecting lines from The Room whenever they seemed appropriate, which was surprisingly often.
In fact, by mid-movie, I had become convinced that Dear John was on par with The Room in the epic fail department. It even lent itself to such commentary as "Because you're a woman!"
And just as I was starting to get into the plot and wondering whether there was more to this movie than just the unintentional comedy of it all, someone up and gets cancer randomly! SRSLY.
remake! remake!
Now that I've seen Dear John, there's nothing I want more in the cinematic world than for Tommy Wiseau to cast himself and his The Room co-stars in a Dear John remake.
Tommy would play John, of course, so that he could show off his nice pecs in all the surfing (but not) scenes.
Juliette Danielle, aka Lisa, would play the female lead, and I can think of a perfect place in the script, right before the cancer revelation, for John to yell, "You are tearing me apart, Savannah!"
The beard-growing skills Greg Sestero showed while playing Mark in The Room clearly qualify him for the role of Tim, who for the purposes of our remake might as well be John's best friend.
Then my friend and fellow State Press alum Phil Haldiman, aka Denny, should probably play Alan, whom the other characters seem to say "O hai" to quite often.
And I guess that leaves Carolyn Minnott, who played Claudette in The Room, to be John's dad. I suppose Tommy could tweak the script to have the character be John's mom, but I feel like Minnott could really stretch herself as an actress by playing the male role.
In any case, I do expect Tommy to write in a little confrontation between Mr./Mrs. Tryee and Savannah that ends with the former saying, "If you think I'm autistic today, wait till you see me tomorrow!"
This could be a beautiful thing, Tommy. Don't let me down. Remake this movie.